Do you love inept local commercials, corporate training videos, and 70’s style pizza boy pornos? Boy, have we got an episode for you…
Themes:
As the title implies, Episode Seven deals with the idea of abstinence in several segments--primarily the “Pizza Boy” skit and “Channel Five’s Only Married News Team.” However, as is usual for Awesome Show, the episode title only hints at the multitude of ideas contained within.
Just as Episode Two, “Friends,” revels in the horrors of loss, “Abstinence” spends a long time focusing on regret and not being able to move on. Throughout “Strategy for Leadership,” the boys try to convince themselves that hiring only old men has been a good idea...and nearly run their show into the ground. “Lazy Horse,” a transcendent exercise in the surreal, features a man who suffers traumatic dreams, but who seems bonded to these visions despite their terror.
Then, Maria Bamford makes her first appearance on a home shopping show (“The New You”), where she is haunted by memories of her abusive mother. This segment is significant for introducing the female corollary to Awesome Show’s obsession with wicked fathers. The ideas, themes, and execution of “The New You,” will be explored again in future Maria Bamford led skits as well as “Fortin’ with Will” and other similarly harrowing segments.
Hi-Lights:
Lazy Horse Mattress
This segment hits every possible right note in every possible alternate universe all at once, creating a glistening harmony of complex, untarnished beauty. That’s right, guys, I love Lazy Horse Mattress. From the basic cable, homemade look of the thing, to Will Forte’s strange, weirdly insistent horse impression, to the quick cut-aways that add a jarring sense of the awful and unreal, to the scene of Paul Willeaux (Forte’s character), sleeping like a child on Christmas, blissfully indulging in these incredibly violent nightmares. Perfection.
Strategy for Leadership with Tim and Eric (Part 1)
Ooh man. If you’ve ever been part of a cultish, creepy corporate outfit, then you know late 90’s era videos like this by heart, and our darling boys check all the boxes: the bad graphics, the grating music, Tim’s relentless, unearned positivity. All of this is beautifully undercut by Eric’s blank look of disgust. “I hate these old men,” he intones helplessly, looking somewhere to the right of camera, “I hate these old men.”
Abstinence
This one is notable for introducing David Cross into the Awesome Show canon and also giving us adult film star Abbey Brooks. Brooks will go on to grace many an Awesome Show segment, and here, she and Cross play off each other in a ballet of awkward, amp-ed sincerity. Like many Awesome Show segments, the basic idea of a genre is intentionally subverted. Here, the most worn-out 1970’s porn cliche, the pizza boy, is undercut by mannequin pubes, an impromptu song and dance, and a PSA-style sign off from Cross, letting men know that if their girlfriends are pressuring them for sex, they can confidently assert, “I ain’t no ho-ho.” A line the ages will remember.
Anatomy of an Episode:
Lazy Horse Mattress (Part 1)
See Hi-Lights. Paul Willeaux has some great deals and dark secrets at the Lazy Horse Mattress. Y’all come on down and check it out.
Strategy for Leadership (Part 1)
See Hi-Lights. Tim and Eric fire their staff and hire old men. It does not go well.
Farge
Nonsensical, sound poetry beatboxing against a constantly flashing background. Kurt Schwitters meets 90’s hip hop.
Abstinence
See Hi-Lights. It is bracingly refreshing to have a piece of media warn men about the dangers of promiscuity. Leave it to Tim and Eric to hit that right note of hysteria and condescension.
Channel Five’s Only Married New Team: No Sex Week
We get a too-intimate look at the Skylar’s marriage before we’re interrupted by the No-Sex Hotdog Parade.
Strategy for Leadership (Part 2)
More adventures in training old men. The best bit here is Tim loudly proclaiming, “I’m achieving those goals,” accompanied by a freeze frame and clip art trophies. Keep achieving, Tim.
The New You
See Themes. Maria Bamford has a nervous breakdown while talking about lotion. In her defense, skin care can be very stressful.
Farge Interlude
More “farge,” guys.
Cinco International Credit Union
I’m glad Cinco is diversifying. I’m also glad they want to send our wives porn. Eric tries to set up an account via an automated system, with Kafkaesque results. A must-see for any technophile luddites out there.
Lazy Horse Mattress (Part 2)
Paul Willeaux reveals he may be a demon.
Strategy for Leadership (Part 3)
Ww get a privileged glimpse inside the Writer’s Room at Awesome Show. Spoiler alert: it’s full of old men.
Farge: Chee/Reginald
It’s farge, but now with chee and Reginald. There’s no other way to explain this.
Strategy for Leadership (Part 4)
Tim and Eric beg their old crew to come back with this unconvincing appeal: “There is much cleaning to be done.”
Winner:
Tim, you get to hang onto that half-time title a little longer, buddy. My love for “Lazy Horse Mattress” is obscene, strange, and out of proportion. Here’s to you, Will Forte, for breathing life and terrifying strangeness into Paul Willeaux. Sweet dreams, Will. Celebrate that well-earned victory of yours.
Pennie Sublime