Before I begin I must say that this one was pretty hard to follow. The story jumps more than a Mexican jumping bean at a trampoline convention hosted by pole-vaulting kangaroos. Lucky for me though, as soon as I would begin to get lost, a random character would show up and tell everyone what is happening then another would follow with “oh yes, that is happening”, to which a third new character would jump out and shout “I have also noticed this happening, and this is how I feel about it.” That may or may not be accompanied by a nod or gesture, which is supposed to express some sort of an emotion but doesn’t each and every time. As sad as it sounds, those were the good times. Other times though, I was left scratching my head. Who’s this guy? Are they gonna tell us? Nope. Guess not. So, he’s hallucinating? Is that a real Genie? Am I missing something? Should I have watched the other four voyages first? I’m getting way ahead of myself.

So, from what I gather, the Sultan disapproves of Sinbad and his daughter, Firoozeh’s, relationship because Sinbad is not wealthy enough to take care of her. Then, an evil sorcerer named White Thief captures and holds Firoozeh in a black desert. I’m not exactly sure why he does this, but I do know that Sinbad now has the opportunity he needs to prove to the Sultan that he worthy enough to hold hands with and hug his beautiful daughter. It’s at this point that Sinbad is informed that he has 40 days and 40 nights to find and rescue the princess from Jafar in whiteface all while battling through ferocious baddies.

Sounds pretty amazing, right? A modern day movie with puppets, practical effects and stop motion? Who could mess that up? Meet Shahin Sean Solimon, also known as, the writer, director and star of Sinbad: The Fifth Voyage. Damn, this guy is horrible. At first, he seems like a decent actor, but as the adventure continues he just gets worse and worse. His dialogue continually flips between bad and hilariously bad, and his accent came and went with ease. The other actors themselves were miscast, and they seem to know it. Much of their acting seemed on par with a play put on hastily by involuntary teenagers, who forgot to write a script. I pity the actors having wasted their hours making this movie, at least I hope it was hours. It’s hard to accept that in a movie full of so many beautiful faces it’s the clay that shines the brightest.

Don’t get me wrong, there were a few good things about Sinbad: The Fifth Voyage, but they were so short-lived that they’re almost not worth mentioning. The music is actually quite good, but very, very badly edited and mismatched with the scenes. There would be epic battle music during a close up of Sinbad just riding on a boat. At other times, they’d use music you’d hear while getting a massage as monsters just battled away in the mystic mountains. Think Conan the Barbarian listening to Enya. I’m assuming someone didn’t know how to use FinalCut Pro correctly, or maybe the free-trial ran out. Who knows? At least the monsters were good. Not surprising though, assuming that job was most likely outsourced. The crab monster looked legit as fuck, and the rest of the monsters were a welcome addition, as well. But it was the crab beast that was probably the best thing about this movie. Too bad he only lasted for 4 minutes.

Lastly, you have Professor Xavier rambling over this jumbled mess in a state of total ignorance. It’s just so weird. Stewart shows up, says a few things and then disappears for twenty minutes then he comes back, chats about something random and vanishes again. He’s clearly bored. Or lost. The whole thing is so confusing, and everything he says seems so detached from what is actually happening on screen. I figured it’d all connect eventually, but nope you’re just left wondering how he ever got roped into this. Was it a favor? Was he paying off some sort gambling debt? We may never know.

I’m still not exactly sure what I just watched, and while this movie wasn’t for me, I’m pretty sure my Dad would get something out of this. There’s extremely bad editing, with sudden cuts from calm to chaos. There were times when I thought Sinbad was actually fighting himself. There’s extremely poor direction, with bad camera angles and unnecessary filters aplenty. Yep, it’s so bad that my Dad would like it. I am warning YOU though. Do not watch this Mortal Kombat reject-infested film, but if for some scary reason that you must, follow it up with Disney’s First Kid or Houseguest to cleanse the pallet. Now those are some real Sinbad movies.

RANDOM NOTEBOOK DUMP:

You can’t be battling a monster one moment then be safe by the fire the next. This isn’t a State Farm commercial.

Sinbad? More like So-bad.

Jessie Hobson

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